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Peanut_Butter_by_jakegarn Peanut Butter by *jakegarn

When I found this image at deviantArt.com, I laughed and thought, yup, this could be me!

So, it’s like 3:54 a.m. and I am awake. I did go to bed at 11:20 p.m., missing my goal of 11:00 p.m. by 20 minutes, but still, I felt that was an accomplishment. I took my nightly meds in addition to one ativan. I hate how I’ve been taking two and thought what better time to reduce it than the night before I have to get up early for a doctor and psychiatrist appointments!  I settle into bed to watch the news, a calming act for me as it makes me think of others and reminds me to stop feeling sorry for myself, when I suddenly crave Kraft Peanut Butter Lite Smooth.

Damn!

I lay there until 1:00 a.m. trying not to think of peanut butter, but I can smell it, taste it and the addiction yanks me out of bed to go seek it out. Now I know it’s hidden in the garage somewhere and it’s not too big of an area, so I should be in and out lickity split! Nope, nadda. I searched for ten minutes and left the garage defeated. Paul is good; he’s hidden it well. I feel a bit pissed at him, but I have no right because I asked him to do this to help with my binging. I go back to bed and two hours later I’m still awake, but more agitated than before. I clamber out of the bed, bouncing a bit more than needed in hopes of jarring Paul. I mean if he’s awake, then I could ask him where the peanut butter is, because surely I couldn’t wake him myself to ask, that would be selfish. Well, plan A didn’t work, he continued snoring and didn’t even budge. Now I’m up, what to do next?

Popcorn!

Yup, that’s only one Weight Watcher point for the bag and if I eat one at a time, that will take the edge off my wanting the peanut butter. I nestled into my recliner, my legs crossed and covered with my paw print fleece throw and commence the dance with my popcorn. I open the top of the bag just a wee bit and inhale the buttery salty steam. I select one popped kernel and place it on my tongue then ever so slowly close my mouth down around this warm morsel. I like the squeaky sound that arises, but more than that I salivate as I chew on this one tiny treat that brings me much joy. After about five kernels eaten this way, I’m bored.

Never known to do one thing at a time, I pick up my book ‘The Mindful Way Through Depression’ and start reading while eating my popcorn, which now seems to be going into my mouth three, four, five at a time. So much for eating my popcorn mindfully. All in my little world seems to be going well except for the fact that I’m still awake, I still WANT peanut butter and I have to get up in a couple of hours. I look at my food journal and become giddy realizing I have five points left! Woo hoo! Gonna get me some oatmeal now!

I heated up one pack of oatmeal, a first for me since I tend to eat two packs. I looked through the microwave glass and was astonished to see the oatmeal had risen to the top of the bowl and there were still five seconds left. Like a hockey game in overtime, my heart sped up and I couldn’t speak. Would it, would it, would it stay at the top or would it overflow?! I’m rooting for staying at the top. Come on, one second left, you can do it!

Ding!

Excited that the oatmeal did not overflow, I opened the microwave door hoping to see my masterpiece, but was greeted with a half filled bowl of deflated oatmeal. I was disappointed, but not enough that I wouldn’t eat it. I filled the indentation with Splenda brown sugar and a bit of skim milk. To my recliner I returned. I placed the very warm bowl against my chest, and slowly stirred the mixture. The brown sugar streaked through the thick oatmeal creating dark swirls with each turn of the spoon. The milk did not want to mix with this gloopy mess taking a lot longer to give in and become one with the oatmeal. The texture of oatmeal always makes me laugh, for it resembles the cottage cheese that has implanted itself on the back of my thighs.

Once done my second treat, I did feel a sense of fullness, but the desire for peanut butter lived on. I have to accept it. Kraft Peanut Butter Lite Smooth and I are over. Why? Because my name is Cathie and I’m a peanut-butteraholic.

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