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Image: Dead Drugs by ~radicaldad at deviantArt

dead drugs by ~radicaldad @ deviantart.com We’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time we stop all the medication. It’s really hard for us to make any headway when we feel so dopey. by Some of Us

Like now for instance, we would like to write a longer piece; unfortunately heavy laden eyelids, blurred vision and the inability to think clear are preventing this action from transpiring. At present, she is ingesting numerous medications:

  1. 150 mg Effexor-XR: depression & anxiety
  2. 1200 mg Gabapenten: anxiety
  3. 120 mg Cymbalta: depression
  4. 200 mg Seroquel-XR: anxiety, sleep
  5. 1 mg Clonazepam: anxiety, sleep
  6. 1 mg Ativan: PRN panic attacks
  7. 40 mg Pariet: GERD

This list has been greatly reduced and I feel that is why more of us are able to be present fully. It has been a few years since this was possible. I believe that it is due in part to the Seroquel-XR which is an anti-psychotic; however, further research is required to confirm this hypothesis.

~ Elisabeth

this writing looks like fun kinda like how i am. i think Elisabeth might be right that if we stop the drugs we’ll be able to come out more. oh i do hope so. by Lisa

Okay, hold on to your pants now because you’re all sounding like a bunch of nutcases! Yeah, we can stop all those fucking drugs, but remember, she may disappear completely, then what? Rob

Alright everyone, please settle down. My statement was only meant to garner conversation and the possibility only of stopping the medications. I must remind everyone that the last time Cathie was not on this cocktail of prescriptions, the vote was taken inside with the majority agreeing to end the body’s life, which would include Cathie. I for one am not amenable to this idea whatsoever. I believe this medication reduction should be looked upon as an opportunity for all of us to regroup and commence working as a team once again with the hopes of including Cathie. Remember, that is what this blog is for…a means of communication between all of us and Cathie. We’ve had enough of the name calling, death wishes, self harm and sheer exhaustion from fighting one another. I would ask that we convene tomorrow afternoon in the theatre to set forth some plans and restart a democratic operation via voting. There will be no excuse for not attending this meeting. I have Mary on board with this and she has volunteered to check all rooms to ensure 100% attendance.

Cathie, we extend this invitation to you as well. Would you please respond if possible? – Elisabeth

We’re all happy to have found this program so we can have different fonts and colours throughout our writing. ~ All Of Us

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The Lion Wakes Tonight

Rage All That I Have by Bashai

Image: Rage – All That I Have by =Bashai at deviantArt

I was trying to think of how best to describe what’s going on inside, and suddenly I thought of that old song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I read through the lyrics and realized each verse is a warning that the lion is sleeping and to be quiet. So that’s how it is with me. Everything was going along as usual, not great, but not horrendous, then rage crept in, nudged my lion and now all hell has broke lose. I feel like screaming, ripping every paper into pieces, stomping up and down, wrecking anything and everything that is mine.

It all started after Paul got home at 4:30 pm. and I realized how much more work was involved in setting up our finances in Quicken than I had anticipated. That or I’m just stupid now, which could likely be the case being that I can’t remember things. It’s 12:28 a.m. now and I’m still not done. I got confused with setting up the mortgage and loan, as well as the Blue Cross Payments. By this point, my vision was blurred due to the ativan I took to calm down, so I had to stop completely which only angered me more.

I didn’t finish setting up our finances as planned. I didn’t groom Lacey, Bree & Polar and cut Molly’s nails as I’d planned. I didn’t ride my recumbent bike while watching The Biggest Loser Australia as I’d planned. I didn’t shower as I’d planned. I didn’t drink enough water as I’d planned. Finally, I didn’t eat as healthy as I’d planned. One big planned day. One big day of nothingness.

It’s so stupid how I am anyway. I sit on my fucking recliner, laptop on my desk and refuse to get up even if I have to go to the washroom. Yup, there has been many accidents with my not making it to the washroom in time. Now why the hell would I do this? Fucked if I know! I’m being judgmental and I know it and I don’t give a flying fuck!

So back to this not wanting to leave my laptop alone…

I know logically that whatever I’m working on will still be there five minutes from now. Staying these couple of minutes trying to type in the information before I forget, all the while squirming and squeezing my kegels will definitely not result in anything I want to keep anyway.

Bree has just come downstairs, and what would normally make me happy only annoys me. She peed on the mat in front of the door because I couldn’t get to her in time. And where was I? On the fucking toilet having a pee that wouldn’t stop because I’d been holding it for over an hour!

I think my lion is doing all the pooping from my body and that’s why it’s so big, round and hard because it’s the fury of the lion leaking out. Just in case it’s not, I’m going to start taking Colace today, a stool softener. I mean I just cannot eat any more vegetables, fruits and fibre.

This rage, it sits right in the center of my breastbone. I wonder if this means anything on the chakra charts. The thing with my anger is how I always want to hurt myself or my things. My scalp is really really painful after a hard night of picking, scratching and scraping. It hurts like hell while I do it, but it is also calming, kind of like a cigarette.

It’s 12:47 a.m. and I should go to bed. Trying to get back onto a normal sleeping schedule. But even going to bed at this time, I’ll still be asleep until Paul wakes me at lunch. If I could, I’d just sleep, sleep and sleep. I love being curled up under the warm covers where I feel safe and can escape to daytime dreams of being functional and happy.

Damn, damn, damn!!!!

I hate this depression and the rage it brings!

So hush my darling, don’t fear my darling,

The lion may sleep tonight…

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Erase Me

I wrote this poem on Valentine’s Day of this year. I was feeling like a burden to my husband and that I would never get any better with these mental illnesses.

Erase by ~x-louisee-richo-x at deviantArt

Erase by x_louisee_richo_x at deviantart.com

erase me

  as though i never was

no breath, taste, smell, sight or sound

  gone

     evaporated like steam crashing against

  cold air

pictures removed

  drawings, writings destroyed

the tiniest fragment of me

  erased

     never to be redrawn

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"This is how we feel right now."This is how we feel right now.

We are so happy ‘cause we found this program where we can make our words look how we want them to.

So, we got our blog reset up after she deleted our previous one. What made us mad is that she copied everything she wrote, but didn’t copy what we wrote. She just went ahead and deleted our one post.

Bitch!

She says it was an accident, but we don’t believe her. So she wanted to do this journaling in Word, but we didn’t like it, so we wrote nothing. Last night she got it through her thick skull that that maybe we want to have a blog after all – duh!

It is now 9:30 in the morning and we still have not gone to bed from yesterday. We hate to sleep in the night. But now we feel horrible because we’ve only been having a little bit of sleep each day. We’re real tired. Our head is hurting. Our eyeballs hurts. Guess we will go to bed. Well first we’re going to have some oatmeal.

That’s all we want to write. The main thing was that we were the first to post. We beat her! Huh!

By The Others, with some main words from Priscilla

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I Hate Being The Fat One

exhausted pose drawings by ~JoeyGates @ deviantArt

Sexhausted_pose_drawings_by_joeygateso once again I’ve setup a personal blog. I’ve lost count as to how many I’ve setup. The main reason for doing it  yet again was the feeling I was getting from everyone inside that they were really mad at me for removing their blog. I’m hoping by doing this, things might settle down inside. I’m exhausted beyond belief. My eyelids, heavy and swollen remain closed tight against my eyes, my head is throbbing and I’m sure if I went to a mirror I’d see it with a large lump on the right side of my head.

Because of this poor sleeping schedule, my eating has been the shits. I’m not eating much nor drinking anything, and as for exercise, let’s just say I have avoided it at all costs. So Weight Watchers starts in 15 minutes, but I told Paul to take the car to work because I’m too damned tired to go. I can go to Victoria tomorrow at 10 a.m. which is what I’ll do. I’m so fucking scared about this upcoming weigh in. I have to have lost weight this week. That would make it two weeks in a row of losing weight. That would be a first since January 2nd, 2009.

Sabotage, sabotage, guess who’s the best at sabotage, Just close your eyes and think of friends, and before you know it, this really fat rolly polly image will form in your mind and you’ll shiver in disgust when you realize it’s me. So damned sick of sabotage. Oh please, make sure I’ve lost this week. Even though I feel really bad, I’m going to ride the recumbent bike today for sure, maybe 30-60 minutes. I don’t care if I hurt. It should hurt as a punishment for getting so obese.

I’m feeling really low right now and I’m having trouble staying awake after taking my morning meds and 2 ativan, so I’m going to bed.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make my day better after all.

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