Posts Tagged ‘All or Nothing Thinking’

Rage All That I Have by Bashai

Image: Rage – All That I Have by =Bashai at deviantArt

I was trying to think of how best to describe what’s going on inside, and suddenly I thought of that old song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I read through the lyrics and realized each verse is a warning that the lion is sleeping and to be quiet. So that’s how it is with me. Everything was going along as usual, not great, but not horrendous, then rage crept in, nudged my lion and now all hell has broke lose. I feel like screaming, ripping every paper into pieces, stomping up and down, wrecking anything and everything that is mine.

It all started after Paul got home at 4:30 pm. and I realized how much more work was involved in setting up our finances in Quicken than I had anticipated. That or I’m just stupid now, which could likely be the case being that I can’t remember things. It’s 12:28 a.m. now and I’m still not done. I got confused with setting up the mortgage and loan, as well as the Blue Cross Payments. By this point, my vision was blurred due to the ativan I took to calm down, so I had to stop completely which only angered me more.

I didn’t finish setting up our finances as planned. I didn’t groom Lacey, Bree & Polar and cut Molly’s nails as I’d planned. I didn’t ride my recumbent bike while watching The Biggest Loser Australia as I’d planned. I didn’t shower as I’d planned. I didn’t drink enough water as I’d planned. Finally, I didn’t eat as healthy as I’d planned. One big planned day. One big day of nothingness.

It’s so stupid how I am anyway. I sit on my fucking recliner, laptop on my desk and refuse to get up even if I have to go to the washroom. Yup, there has been many accidents with my not making it to the washroom in time. Now why the hell would I do this? Fucked if I know! I’m being judgmental and I know it and I don’t give a flying fuck!

So back to this not wanting to leave my laptop alone…

I know logically that whatever I’m working on will still be there five minutes from now. Staying these couple of minutes trying to type in the information before I forget, all the while squirming and squeezing my kegels will definitely not result in anything I want to keep anyway.

Bree has just come downstairs, and what would normally make me happy only annoys me. She peed on the mat in front of the door because I couldn’t get to her in time. And where was I? On the fucking toilet having a pee that wouldn’t stop because I’d been holding it for over an hour!

I think my lion is doing all the pooping from my body and that’s why it’s so big, round and hard because it’s the fury of the lion leaking out. Just in case it’s not, I’m going to start taking Colace today, a stool softener. I mean I just cannot eat any more vegetables, fruits and fibre.

This rage, it sits right in the center of my breastbone. I wonder if this means anything on the chakra charts. The thing with my anger is how I always want to hurt myself or my things. My scalp is really really painful after a hard night of picking, scratching and scraping. It hurts like hell while I do it, but it is also calming, kind of like a cigarette.

It’s 12:47 a.m. and I should go to bed. Trying to get back onto a normal sleeping schedule. But even going to bed at this time, I’ll still be asleep until Paul wakes me at lunch. If I could, I’d just sleep, sleep and sleep. I love being curled up under the warm covers where I feel safe and can escape to daytime dreams of being functional and happy.

Damn, damn, damn!!!!

I hate this depression and the rage it brings!

So hush my darling, don’t fear my darling,

The lion may sleep tonight…

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