Posts Tagged ‘Failure’

in_the_deep_dark_hole_by_demonikangelx in the deep dark hole by ~demonikangelx @ deviantArt

I did it. I finally did it. I cancelled all my massage and physio appointments. I was so conflicted before, during and after. Sure we got back 80% of the cost and once we paid $1,000 of our own money, it was free, but still I felt immense guilt for spending the money. When I looked at what I spent over the last few years on trying to lose weight it was appalling. I’m going to send an email to Weight Watchers to see if I can get out of the six month contract that cost $299. I bought it my first meeting because it was a huge savings $11.50/meeting verses $15.80/meeting, a whopping 28% less! What the fuck?! I mean look at my track record, I quit everything, so most likely I’ll quite this as well.

I weighed myself today and saw a 1 lb gain. I’m so fucking pissed it’s beyond belief. I know I’m not exercising, but I’m not going over in my points and I’m eating healthy. Okay, I admit, I ate 6 pkgs of oatmeal yesterday so that was like 12 points, but I do get 27 points total for the day, so that’s not bad and besides, unless I’m blind, I don’t remember seeing anywhere in the Weight Watchers’ books that I can’t eat just one type of food all day. Well, they do say to eat a balanced diet, so I’m probably wrong.

I left a message for my psychiatrist who won’t be in until Thursday or Friday asking her advice on what I can do to make myself do the things that will help the depression like showering, exercising and following through on what I say I’ll do. I know that mediation alone can’t lift depression, but I seriously don’t have the energy or desire to do anything. I just want to stay in bed. In fact I’m going to bed shortly, it’s 11:11 p.m. right now, that way I can sleep until 4:30 p.m. tomorrow. The thoughts of facing tomorrow fill me with dread. I’ve got things to do like grooming all the dogs which would definitely take more than one afternoon, crochet the fingerless mittens and summer bag, block the scarf I made Lynn then wrap and mail it (was for xmas), patch the walls in the exercise room, paint the exercise room, actually exercise in the exercise room, cook meals, sweep floors, wash floors, wash walls, wash windows, walk the dogs, make the bed, finish that anniversary slideshow I made for Paul for our 25th anniversary which was a year and a half ago, go to bed at 10 or 11 and get up by 8, eat three meals and two snacks daily and the list goes on.

I think I’m a dog. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, maybe grab a couple packs of oatmeal with milk and brown sugar to eat, drink a cup and a half of coffee, check my email and facebook to see if there’s anybody out there and finally, go back to sleep. Oh yeah, I’m one of those dogs that doesn’t like to go for walks.

So what can my psychiatrist to with one fuckinig call? Probably not much. I feel frustration  push up from my vagina through my stomach into my chest and get stuck. How do I make the want bigger than the don’t want? Or maybe it’s ‘how do I make the can bigger than the don’t want?’ That’s it..I’m fucking brilliant! I’m totally capable of getting on that damned recumbent bike and moving my legs in a circular motion, but like a spoiled rotten child I refuse to.

No! No! No! I Won’t! You can’t make me! I hate you! I hate you! Get away from me! No! Now fuck off!

Problem arising……

Genital arousal is happening as I type all of this. That is usually a tell tale sign that I’m being triggered by something or that I’m feeling intense fear, no make that, terror.

So am I afraid of losing weight? Am I afraid of having a nice looking body? Am I afraid of being able to breathe? Am I afraid of going for walks? Am I afraid of having energy? Yadda yadda yadda…..

It’s the same old bullshit I’ve been feeding myself for years, yet nothing ever changes. If I look at a journal from five years ago I’ll read almost verbatim what I write here. Frustrated. Can’t figure out why I don’t follow through. Wonder when I’ll wake up and feel better, whatever the hell that means.

I saw there is a 10 day silent meditation retreat late April that is free. This really intrigued me, but there was a section written that people with mental disorders should not attend as the retreat won’t heal them. Well, I know that! I’m seriously thinking of applying to go, getting a letter from Dr. Campbell to state I won’t go off on some rampage and kill every breathing entity and hopefully find a carpool. The thoughts of 10 days of silence seems a bit daunting as does 10 hours per day of meditation, but this quietness may be what we need to push through whatever barrier is in front of our face not allowing us to move ahead. I do worry how I’ll do without Paul and the puppies for 10 days; however, the way I am right now is no good to them at all, so if there is a glimmer of hope that this retreat might shake me loose from the vie that holds me, I’m willing to give it a go. I always rush into things then later quit, so this time I’m going to sit with it, discuss it with Paul, maybe even call and talk to them about my mental illnesses and finally talk it over with my psychiatrist.

Aagghh….gotta stop now…letter c is giving me problems and I can feel my frustration rising. If I don’t stop now, within a minute I’ll want to murder someone.

Before I go and since I’ve found the image for this post, I need to say that the little circles of hope I used to see in the distance are diminishing. This means that pretty soon there will be no opening with which to escape from my hell.

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : Digg it : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : : TailRank : post to facebook


Read Full Post »